Who Made This Mess?

Everyone has heard the phrase “You learn something new everyday.” The trick is actually realizing what that something new is. I used to make a point of learning something new everyday. But that habit went the way of the dodo bird long ago.

This week however I did discover two new things I am capable of doing. Both of them are kind of ridiculous, but almost equally hilarious.

The first will make me sound silly, but I have lived in the Seattle area for about twenty years and I have never driven onto a ferry. Not to say I haven’t been on a ferry, I have just never been the one in the driver’s seat. It was quite the frustrating experience getting on the ferry from Edmonds to Kingston. I had to pick Miss Chica up from camp on Hood Canal. And the line to get onto the ferry was at least a mile and a half long! This was after I had been fighting with Magellan just to figure out how to get there. I really could have used a couple of those travel sized bottles of booze in the glove box. So I learned how to get on the ferry, I also learned they have pseudo restaurant on the passenger deck. And the food sucks. Slobber wouldn’t even eat it, and that kid has a hollow leg.

The second thing I learned this week is a handy new trick. It may even come in handy for some of you in the future. I had bought two new summer shirts that really didn’t look so great with the bra strap showing (because most shirts do right?). I decided that I needed a strapless bra. My only problem is that Slobber had a play date that same morning. So I booked it to the mall with the boys in two. A quick stop at Auntie Anne’s had them satisfied long enough for me to hit Victoria’s Secret. Well, satisfied until Slobber saw the manequin with the thong on. He was absolutely thrill that he could see her tushie. Slobber is my dirty little perv if you didn’t already know that. At least he has good taste in underthings.

With the help of the store manager I found the perfect bra (seriously I love this thing, it makes my girls look so good!). Ahem. Anyways, we were running short on time and had to book it to the play date. At the stop light before the freeway entrance I ripped the tags off the newly acquired double sling shot. After I got on the freeway, I started maneuvering my undershirt so I could put the new bra on without flashing anyone in the process. The whole time thinking, how am I going to explain this to the policeman if I get pulled over? Lol! So that is my second something new learned this week. How to change my bra while driving.

I’m sure that that trick will come in handy again in my life.

So you all have read about how stupid my dog is. From eating the garbage to barking at dogs on the television he’s an all about genius. A genius with the brain molecules of a rock. Yesterday he went and topped his stupidity. I’m not really sure how he will ever beat this one.

A few weeks ago I had the window open in the boys bedroom, which is over the garage and has a small roof/overhang under the boys window. The dog pushed the screen out of the window, and when it landed on this small roof it broke. Since then the boys have been told to not open that window. Yesterday Slobber threw common sense to the wind and opened the window. Only I didn’t realize it.

The boys and I left to go get gas, again me not noticing the window over my head was open. When we returned, the dog was sitting on the roof, looking like he did not know what to do with himself. But he knew he was in deep shit. I was pissed to say the least. I ran in the house and stormed up the stairs, trying not to trip over the boys in the process. They thought this was great! Hey the dogs on the roof! Let’s have a party! Grr..

When I finally managed to get the boys out of the way and get to the window, I leaned out to try to grab the dogs collar and pull him back in. Only he walked to the edge of the roof. And then, he jumped off the roof. I would love to throw a bunch more expletives in here to exemplify how mad I was, but that just wouldn’t be classy (cause I’m all about the class baby. HAH!). So I turn around and run back down the stairs, yelling at the boys to stay in the house. I open the front door expecting the dog to be laying there with a broken leg (to be honest I was hoping he was unconscious). But no, he’s running his gangly ass down the hill. Toward the construction on the road, and the cars he so loves to chase.

A neighbor girl had seen him jump out the window and had run out to help. We chased him down to the main street, only to find him crapping on the lawn of the apartments next door. Right next to a construction worker laying on the grass in the shade, who coudln’t be bothered to reach out and grab his collar. Thanks buddy, enjoy your break time next to the lingering smell of a fresh pile of dog crap. Serves him right, I hope he stuck his hand in it trying to get up.

When the dog saw us coming he took off down the hill into the apartment complex. We chased him a little ways into the apartments, but to no avail. He was having a great time, and we were just encouraging it. I told the gal helping me to just let him go, he’d come back when he was hungry and I wasn’t leaving the boys at home alone anymore to chase that stupid dog.

He came back a few hours later, while I was at the store. The property manager called hubby and said the neighbor girl had found Koda and she would put him in the house for us. He wasn’t hurt, but I sure wanted to strangle him.

Well, I think I’m finally rested enough to relive the details of our camping trip. We stayed at Maryhill State Park right on the Columbia River. It was absolutely gorgeous! The weather was in the high eighties to mid nineties the whole time we were there. And there was not one cloud in the beautiful blue sky. The campsite was nice and green, well maintained and had lots of space for the kids to play. We also managed to find a small beach near our spot that wasn’t populated with other campers. It was awesome.

Tuesday morning we got a bit of a late start picking up some last minute items and what not. So we didn’t arrive till around dinner time. While hubby set up the tent I started dinner. In between the five minute intervals of asking if they could roast marshmallows, the kids ran amuck.

After a nice dinner of chicken and dumplings in the dutch oven, we took a walk down to the swimming area. By this time the sun had started to go down so no one was really swimming. The kids tried to skip stones on the water, but got bored of that pretty quickly. And they still wanted smores, so we went back to our campsite and got the fire started. And of course, after we got them sugared up, we sent them to bed!

Since our site was near a path the everyone there wanted to walk their dog on, our dog was going nuts. He did so much barking I’m surprised he still has a voice. Our dog was the dog that everyone else wants to shoot. Miss Chica had spilled some of his food when she fed him, and he used his nose to push it into a little pile. A pile that he was more protective of than his actual food bowl. He did not know what to do with himself with all those other dogs around.

Wednesday we spent most of the morning at the little beach we had found. It was about ninety five degrees that day so I took off my shoes and started wading to cool off. While I was wading I noticed some little, tiny clam shells in the water. I pointed these out to Slobber, who immediately set forth finding as many as he could. While we were at the beach we noticed there was a McDonald’s across the river in Oregon. Since the park was two minutes away from the bridge, we thought we’d go for some McDonald’s ice cream.

Well, we thought we would, but the car had other plans. We got the kids in and buckled, and the car wouldn’t start. While unloading the car the previous night, we had left the doors open too long and the battery died. That was fun, let me tell ya. When the “neighbor” came back to his site he gave us a jump. Then we were on our way. But not without much freaking out from the kids about being stuck there forever.

We went through the drive through at McDonald’s then crossed the street to the convenience store to grab some pop. I sat with the kids in the car while hubby ran in. As soon as hubby got in the store, Slobber asked where the dog was. And holy crap if we didn’t leave the dog at camp in another state. As soon as hubby got back in the car we booked it back to the campsite (which was only ten minutes away, but still). We’re batting a thousand by now. The rest of the afternoon was spent spending some leisure time in the shade. Watching other people in our cul-de-sac pack up and leave, and new people come in.

Thursday, after breakfast, we went hunting for some geocaches. The first one started with a puzzle at America’s Stonehenge. And once we got there the dog promptly “pooped on history” as my kids have been calling it (they’re so creative *sigh*). After figuring out the coordinates, we got some drinks at the little country store nearby and headed out. Since we didn’t know the area really well the first cache was a little iffy on how to get to it, so we decided not to finish that one. The second one was in an old cemetery. It was placed by a descendant by one of the founders of the area. Very cool.

After that it was back to the campsite for some lunch. We went back down to the beach to look for some more shells and let the kids play in the water. The wind was starting to pick up so the water was really choppy. Slobber decided to sit down where the waves would wash up his shorts. Apparently it was very funny. Miss Chica sat down in a dry spot close to the water, then a big wave came in and went up her shorts, she screamed, jumped up and backed away from the water. Now that was funny! We also got to see some wind surfers and parasailers on the river enjoying the wind. One of them came close enough to spray the kids with water from his board.

Later that day we tried flying some kites that hubby’s mom had given us. But only one worked. Hubby flew it for about five minutes before the wind snapped the string and the kite went bye bye.

Then it was a challenge to light a fire so we could start dinner. Since it was the last night we would be there I told the kids they could have all the smore’s they wanted. Just to get them out of my hair about the whole thing. I swear they were asking me every five minutes the whole time we were camping if it was time to have smores. But it kept them occupied while we made dinner. After dinner, Miss Chica and I made banana boats, yummy!

By this time, if we had thought the wind was rough before, we were wrong. The tent looked like it was about to take off. Along with half the camp. We started adding ties to the tent to ground it and loading stuff into the back of the car that we didn’t need at that time. It’s really amazing how fast you can pack when your stuff is in danger of blowing away. It was also very interesting to try to fall asleep in a tent that felt like it was going to take off with you inside at any moment.

The next morning was breakfast and the trip home. With some geocaching along the way. All in all it was a pretty good trip. I expected the kids to be a little more cantankerous, but they were pretty good. They actually didn’t want to leave. And I got a nice tan to boot. Now I just have to even it up!

We are, at last, at home. The End.

Hahaha, just kidding. Okay so it really wasn’t that funny, but I’m tired, so it really kind of is. But onto the exciting details of camping huh?

But first, I want to thank Ree and Kristabella for blogsitting for me! They are so fabulous! I did notice that both of their content involved alchol. So either they have to drink to put up with me, or I hang out with alcoholics. Either way they better share!

The first day was spent mostly driving. Hubby had gotten a pair of dvd players for the car, so the kids were well entertained. Minus the fighting over what movie to watch.

On the way down to beautiful Maryhill State Park, we stopped off for a geocache. But that is a story for another blog. We also stopped off for some lunch, but I dont’ have a blog for that. Not that you would want to read about food.

It was really an eventful yet uneventful trip. If that is even possible. I am really too exhausted to blog about all the wonderful details like how we were almost stuck there foreverquite yet. We arrived home yesterday (after more geocaching) and I had a training bright and early at nine o’clock this morning.

I will have to fill you all in on the exciting details later. Because right now, I do believe I need a nap!

Hola, Messy Readers! I’m Kristabella and I write over here. Lela asked some of us to fill in for her while she’s away on a “vacation” with her family and I am not one to turn down a chance to spew my inane drivel on other unsuspecting blog readers!

No really. I just did another guest post on Monday, probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever written (if I do say so myself) and it wasn’t even on my site. Go read it.

Bottom line, I’m a famewhore, plain and simple.

So in honor of Lela and her camping “vacation” I thought I would talk about vacations. I’m not sure camping with kids if my idea of a vacation, but that’s where Lela is right now. And why I keep using vacation in quotes. Imagine me as that irritating asshat in a bar always doing the air quotes when I talk.

While I was contemplating this post in my head today, on my bus ride home, I realized that I don’t think I’ve ever had a relaxing vacation in my entire life. Yes, I’ve visited places, but I’m always more exhausted when I get home than when the trip started.

When I was growing up, we were poor. We didn’t go on vacations. Vacations were my mom dropping us off at Grandma and Papa’s house for a week to get us out of her hair. It was fun because that meant Grandma and Papa would buy us off with TOYS! Woo!

As we got older, we would go with my dad and his new family up to visit my other Grandma in Door County, Wisconsin. This did NOT mean presents. Unless presents were an odd smelling house, cat hair everywhere and your Grandma drinking an entire jug of wine each night and passing out in the kitchen, face down in a plate of spaghetti.

Door County, Wisconsin is a place like no other. People talk funny in Wisconsin and say things like “Ya, hey derr.” And they have fish boils at the local VFW’s on Friday nights. No, not fish frys. Fish BOILS. Don’t fuck that up or they’ll surely correct you. By smacking you across the face with a big piece of boiled sturgeon.

There are weird town names in Door County, like Egg Harbor and Sister Bay. And then there is a restaurant that has goats on a grass roof.

And that right there, is my childhood.

After high school, I decided to take a four-year vacation and head to Tempe, Arizona to go to school at Arizona State University. I somehow managed to not only enjoy myself, secure a fake ID and imbibe the local flavors, but I also picked up a degree on my way out of town. Yay for me!

Then I moved to Northern California to take a job with the San Francisco 49ers. And for six years every vacation I took involved flying back and forth between Chicago (my hometown) and San Jose. Because no one came to visit me so I spent all my vacations at home. With my family. Probably much like Lela’s “vacation.”

I have had a few real vacations in the last seven or eight years. I’ve gone to New York City and Boston, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Diego, Seattle, San Francisco and a host of other places. But since I’m bordering on an alcoholic, all my trips involve a lot of imbibing, which means my “vacation” days are spent either drunk or severely hung over. But that’s kind of how I spend my normal work days too.

But I’ve never taken a week away from work and gone to a relaxing spa or sat on a beach or by a pool all day long. I guess I’d rather be on the go on my vacations, seeing everything that I can in my limited time in a new place. There is plenty of wine and beer to be had all over the world. And I plan to drink it all! Mwahahaha!

But there isn’t enough alcohol in the world for me to go on a camping ”vacation”, let alone camping with kids. Hope you’re having a good time Messy Family!